Scatter

I keep choosing the wrong soul shatterers, soul scatterers 
My soul is broken. Bloodless, cracked open.


I can't bear the weight of everything I want to do
that I'll never be able to
And all the things I don't want to do
that I'll have to


You might not take me with you
You might not take me with you


I don't want to be with me either.


Every time I am left bare
Laid there


My penance every lifetime.  


2012

Zero

I can relate to no one, no one can I relate to
I allow my loneliness, I become it
I find it becomes me
I wear it quite well
(better to embrace it than be trapped in my hell)


2012

Never again.

Never.  Never again, I said.  


I sealed my fate and gave myself a lifetime of protection from never again.
But what nobody told me was that you'll unexpectedly find yourself with nerves exposed and heart laid bare. 


Oops.


Why? To self sabotage? To feel something again? 


Fuck.


I forgot the hurt.  I forgot how it hurts so good and opens my creative marrow.  
I forgot how this feels.  I forgot how deep the well of me runs.  I forgot the things I am capable of saying out loud and what it's like to hear those words spoken to me, for me.  Me.  Flesh and blood.  This is real.  


But it's not real.  It's not honestly real.  There are no such things as accidents.  What is it? And why? And why is it so good and bad? I agonize, I bubble up, I feel the weight of the world at once, once again.  And I know that from time to time I'll always secretly welcome taking it on.  


And perhaps at bottom, I wan't the one used at all...but you were.  Tricked into the role of my muse to fuel my soul and creativity once more.  Joke's on you.  


And that's how I survive it.  Every time. 




2012

9/11

You once ago knew the soul of a beautiful girl who gave herself to you. Who declared herself yours and chained to you the very marrow of her soul. Many deaths and many births and the cycle of a decade later she is still in wonder at the ghost world that once transpired.  On this day all she asks is to be thought of.  To be thought of.  Never needed hardly seen a lifetime or so removed but a simple thought to bring light to the present is what she asks today.  

2011


  

Echos of you

All around me are the echoes of you.  Still.

So many lifetimes later you come to knock on my subconscious house 

of tiny secret dreams in the tiny secret pocket of my soul.

My heart, my marrow, my memories.

Mine.

Yet each night I dream of water, of you, of her.

Only there and only then I try to remain but involuntary escape is inevitable.

How symbolic.  How metaphysical.  How cliche.

2010

Guilt Shredder (the great destroyer)

if i could write it down in latin

so i couldn't understand it

quod me nutrit me destruit

that which nourishes me also destroys me

the great guilt shredder

how easy it was

how easy to accept 

complete denial

i couldn't wrap my head around it

so i keep asking for it to happen again

i'm so hungover from this

so sick and yet so pleased

i'll be emptied, robbed 

and left to dry

(dry out inside out)

it's what it is

we know what it is

create and deny my own hypocrisy 

2006

Brave New Girl

I'm a brave new girl

In the big bad world

Or a big bad girl

In the brave new world

It tells me slow

It tells me cruel

It tells me pull

But it won't say no

The big brave girl

In the bad new world

2006