Scatter

I keep choosing the wrong soul shatterers, soul scatterers 
My soul is broken. Bloodless, cracked open.


I can't bear the weight of everything I want to do
that I'll never be able to
And all the things I don't want to do
that I'll have to


You might not take me with you
You might not take me with you


I don't want to be with me either.


Every time I am left bare
Laid there


My penance every lifetime.  


2012

Zero

I can relate to no one, no one can I relate to
I allow my loneliness, I become it
I find it becomes me
I wear it quite well
(better to embrace it than be trapped in my hell)


2012

Never again.

Never.  Never again, I said.  


I sealed my fate and gave myself a lifetime of protection from never again.
But what nobody told me was that you'll unexpectedly find yourself with nerves exposed and heart laid bare. 


Oops.


Why? To self sabotage? To feel something again? 


Fuck.


I forgot the hurt.  I forgot how it hurts so good and opens my creative marrow.  
I forgot how this feels.  I forgot how deep the well of me runs.  I forgot the things I am capable of saying out loud and what it's like to hear those words spoken to me, for me.  Me.  Flesh and blood.  This is real.  


But it's not real.  It's not honestly real.  There are no such things as accidents.  What is it? And why? And why is it so good and bad? I agonize, I bubble up, I feel the weight of the world at once, once again.  And I know that from time to time I'll always secretly welcome taking it on.  


And perhaps at bottom, I wan't the one used at all...but you were.  Tricked into the role of my muse to fuel my soul and creativity once more.  Joke's on you.  


And that's how I survive it.  Every time. 




2012

9/11

You once ago knew the soul of a beautiful girl who gave herself to you. Who declared herself yours and chained to you the very marrow of her soul. Many deaths and many births and the cycle of a decade later she is still in wonder at the ghost world that once transpired.  On this day all she asks is to be thought of.  To be thought of.  Never needed hardly seen a lifetime or so removed but a simple thought to bring light to the present is what she asks today.  

2011


  

Echos of you

All around me are the echoes of you.  Still.

So many lifetimes later you come to knock on my subconscious house 

of tiny secret dreams in the tiny secret pocket of my soul.

My heart, my marrow, my memories.

Mine.

Yet each night I dream of water, of you, of her.

Only there and only then I try to remain but involuntary escape is inevitable.

How symbolic.  How metaphysical.  How cliche.

2010

Guilt Shredder (the great destroyer)

if i could write it down in latin

so i couldn't understand it

quod me nutrit me destruit

that which nourishes me also destroys me

the great guilt shredder

how easy it was

how easy to accept 

complete denial

i couldn't wrap my head around it

so i keep asking for it to happen again

i'm so hungover from this

so sick and yet so pleased

i'll be emptied, robbed 

and left to dry

(dry out inside out)

it's what it is

we know what it is

create and deny my own hypocrisy 

2006

Brave New Girl

I'm a brave new girl

In the big bad world

Or a big bad girl

In the brave new world

It tells me slow

It tells me cruel

It tells me pull

But it won't say no

The big brave girl

In the bad new world

2006

Limbo

visceral girl

body pierced

heavy guts and organs

dripping through 

the second story floor.

hot and waxy words 

thick poetry seeping in.

pouring out.

not a sound.

no way to tell.

limbo?

purgatory?

an apartment?

2006

Beautiful Beginning

I'll leave the paper and pen next to me tonight,

through the night,

because I feel there might be words...

and I'm nervous...

I'm shaking or I'm waking 

as I walk barefoot across my cold tile floor.

A coming out of hibernation I feel my bones

and begin to thaw out visceral again

(is this visceral again?)

It's been so long and I've been so scared

is my passion knocking and can I make it real,

Let it flow and write my truths...

I'm preparing now.

I was storing up.

I was enduring.

It's a beginning.

Springs awakening.

No rush no force eloquence is seeping in

or I am finally seeping out

try to breathe, learn of patience 

in my never ending growth to struggle 

to look beyond

to transform 

every win and every pain 

into Deena once again. 

2005

Arrival

OH TO SEE IT FROM THE HEAVENS

as you crashed down upon my world!

An arrow to my heart

body of hope

purity

all that is golden

salvation

My savior

MY CHAMPION HAS ARRIVED FOR ME AT LAST!

A long life patiently awaiting you..

the magnitude of your presence

the light from your being!

how I see you,

how I SEE you! 

2005

Yours

take me home with you

and not for the night 

and not for the hour

but take me home

and keep me close.

wrap me up and love me there.

leave me there and let me be yours.

tend to me with the occasional kiss

and I promise I'll be satisfied.

and I'll love you back 

and I'll love you there 

to be yours for the hour 

yours for the night

yours for a life is all I want

2005

Bittersweet Sadness

it's a bittersweet sadness

coating over her bittersweet soul

i almost feel sorry for my pain

because it's sweet. it's so, so sweet.

a brokenhearted child

in a shattered house of dreams

stuck in the glass between death and life

she floats, fades to gray

can't get in and can't get out

she's so sweet i almost feel sorry for her

and I'm tempted to let her stay

and take care of her

and feed into her 

and give to her

and keep for myself

the bittersweet remains 

2004

You want a girl

you want a girl who's seen and not heard

heard and not seen and won't speak

or speak up

you want a girl who keeps her body tense

and won't move forward 

or reach out

or is reached to

you want a girl who stifles her image

who chokes on her soul

and glazes over her dreams 

and will deny herself her destiny

you want a beautiful exoskeleton

and a mutated suffocated inside

you want a girl who's seen and not head

2004

Observations in a Starbucks

A couple reunites but it does not go well.
I see a lonely old drunk trying way too hard to get or keep or hold on to
this woman he once loved.
I can't see her face but I know she's married now
and seems to be affected by what he has to say.
I don't know if it's sincere.
It seemed like a game at first,
but I think now it's starting to get to her.
He goes outside to smoke in his old tan jacket and camouflage hat.
Staring at her through the window the entire time.
He keeps touching her, wanting to know over and over again what she's thinking
and what she feels.
I wonder if the old love songs playing
on the Starbucks system are getting to and affecting them.
"You make me crazy with those eyes," he says.
As he tries to woo too hard and tell her why she shouldn't be 
with her husband.
I still can't see her face or read what it is she's doing here 
or why she wanted to look him up.
"I wish I knew you in a previous life," he says.
The don't seem real or sincere to me.
Maybe it's because I'm half their age 
and haven't become quite that desperate, sad or jaded just yet.




2004

One day

One day he will come along
and he will read each and every word

of each and every poem.

he will want to

and he will ask me if it's okay

and know how voyeuristic 

and how precious 

and what an honor it is.

he will understand each one 

and won't be jealous or offended

or offend me with a question.

instead he'll tell me he knew that 

i would have written them down in blood,

if i could have

and i'll say yes, 

or on my very body,

or imprint them on my soul

and he'll say yes and hold them dear

and in turn hold me

2004

Prayer for the Weary

My heart is bleeding, bleeding

and will be bloodless soon

but i am learning, i am growing

I will heal this time, in time

feet are steady mind is shaky

but my spirit's here to stay

and i am my spirit

and whole i shall remain

2004

The Strength of a Human (everyone is beautiful at a funeral)

The Strength of a Human

(Everyone is beautiful at a funeral)

I sit on my floral pattern chair

completely glazed over

and straining to see over the tall man in front of me,

here at the funeral

Each time someone stumbles in 

they are met with a sympathetic, bleary eye.

To my right one row up and across the aisle 

is a woman who takes up a chair and a half

and a husband next to her who's arm never leaves her shoulders 

And I'm struck and I'm wide eyed 

at the realization and the anatomy 

of a human

And the anatomy of a human is this:

that love has no face nor shape nor name

but can and should manifest itself in all

And she's not gross and it's not absurd

it's what they've found and who they are

and the more you love something 

the more beautiful it becomes

It's overtaking and knows no mold 

no specifics, no fit.

It's here my ignorance is slapped,

and I cannot fathom the love all around me

and what it could ever feel like 

to parent a child 

or be a wife to a husband

It's here that everyone is beautiful 

everyone is pure

And what a human can endure is breathtaking...

2004

The Girl

I want my happy ending.

I want no mistakes and no regrets 

and the lesser of two fear based decisions.

I want my chance I want my scare

I want my adventure.

I want to know what could be 

and what might have been 

and never have to ask 

what if.

So what if evil is greater 

and what will ruin me more 

to lose and leave behind?

What girl did I used to be?

What girl am I supposed to be?

Which girl did I think I'd be?

What girl am I in my dreams?

I want a great romance...

to live my life

as the romantic idealist that I'll always be.

But am I the girl who runs away

with the great storybook imperfect love?

Or do I turn my back and play the part 

of the girl who has a lifetime of saying she 

left behind her love long ago to have a career 

and this was the choice she made.

Either way both are too impossible to bear.

I want no outside forces to influence

but only the heavens to inspire 

as I blaze my trail ahead... 

now with all the burn, blaze 

and fire I can muster...

2004

Butterfly Net

I want to write a poem

but I'm not sure what about.

How to translate, transcribe,

make it tangible.

It's about those spirits. 

Those we meet and viscerally know

from another time

when you were soul sisters,

celestial twins.

And me, like those who got stuck

in the wrong plane

and only they know 

and see how hard it is to exist here.

Mornings when clawing your way out 

of your body feels like the only way 

you could possibly get a glimpse 

of what it feels like to exist.

A starburst. A starburst I am.

Feeling the constraint of being

forced into a human body

without a break.

Caught in the creators glass bottle 

and not being let out 

from time to time 

to just get a breath.

Nobody else is quite as intense

quite as sensitive or visceral...

but those who we've known before 

and feel a glimpse of spiritual safety

in their eyes.

2004

Transparent Girl

Sitting with knees bent

under a harsh light

her hand looks distorted

through the glass of water she is holding

the only annoying proof 

that yes, she really is there

and yes, she really does exist

transparent girl

feet cold on table bars

under the harsh light

her hair pulled too tightly back

she tastes a salty flavor in her mouth

irritating as it is, 

she feels,

and is aware, 

and breathes reluctantly on her own

2004

California

"is this the way to California?"

she asks softly, as her soul begins to glaze

i can't go now because it's where 

i fell in love with you

it's where i was betrayed 

and where i was turned down.

turned down let down turned inside out

hung out to dry

but i can't turn around now either

with memories of you to haunt me home

or haunt me away

or remind me of you

2004

The Great Love

oh it's a great love

a great love now, i say.

when it is.

when it can be.

what do i know. i wrap myself in it

and cloak myself in you and close my eyes

and sweep away.

but if and when and why you leave

happens tomorrow i can be okay.

because it's okay. it's okay now, i'll say.

when it is, when it can be, what do i know.

and i'll blanket myself in that 

and hide myself in all that is not you

and close my eyes and sweep away.

2004

Maybe

Maybe it's time to take what you know and let it go.

Dwelling on the past and every indiscretion,

every mistake and keeping track 

does me more harm than good.

Maybe it's time for actions to speak louder than words.

Read my body and see what I do, 

what I want and I am here. Waiting, aren't I? 

Here at your finger tips. 

The edges of your thoughts. 

Deepest needs.

Desire me.

My body says

Desire me.

2004

Mud

i am contemplating letting myself go

to slowly and self indulgently

die of my broken heart in me,

the center of my human form,

could be my cause of death.

i can slowly fade away and 

black will spread across my vision

and since i can't eat i'll let my body feed off 

whatever fat is left until i am nothing more

than ribs and knuckles

my hair will fall out and breathing 

will be my only form of exercise 

as i lay down to die on my chosen

couch or floor.

please don't distract me...

i am laying down to die.

2004

Rip

too abrupt.  too abrupt.

you are never ready. you never can prepare.

who's to say if it was right or wrong.

you'll chose to say it's right.

in order to save face.

in order to force yourself to believe it was...

"for the best".

too abrupt. too abrupt.

it's always too fast. always unexpected.

(a part of you will leave, a part of you will die

a part of you will live, a part of you will fly

a part of you will sever)

too abrupt. too abrupt.

so get it over with. 

rip it out and destroy it.

because i can't brace myself. 

2003

The Wait

I wait.  I am waiting again.

And thinking of the sound of keys.

My heart beats match the footsteps

outside the door and pounds a little harder

each time I hear the wrong door slam.

We are all compartamentalized 

tucked and hidden to the naked eye

but what lies inside is heinous.

The perfectionist doesn't rest

and the glass is still half empty 

I compare you and contrast you

to the last life I lived

and remember nights of cosmopolitans

and wooden floors

and smile to myself knowing I left behind

teardrops all over the streets of New York 

2003

Ghost Girl

Ghost Girl.

I'm a shadow. I'm a shell. I'm an outline of something I once knew.

I'm just a representation.

I hide myself. I hide myself.

In smoke. In mirrors.

I am lost. I am tangled. I am tangible.

I want to feel lighter than air and thinner than life.

A little bit of sinew on a little bit of bone.

An alcoholic anorexic. Anything for a constant haze.

A bleary mind so I can keep remembering to forget.

What I was, what I housed.

A small dependent child who wanted out

but couldn't stay to play.

Get it over with, rip it out and destroy it.

I'l hardly feel a thing.

As I sink farther inward until all is gone completely. 

(Just a little bit of mass, I've found, works better in this world.)

2003

Clocks

30 minutes to go.  I wait.  I hold on.

I am only alive in these moments.

In the in between a new and old.

In a little bit of pleasure, a little bit of pain.

I am visceral.

Four months to go. I wait. I hold on.

I keep it at bay not to get excited.

To not get too scared.

I don't want to know what it will really mean.

I don't want change. Don't make it tangible.

Three years to go. I wait. I hold on.

I constantly remember to forget my age.

An old soul with a young body and mind.

How do you deal with what you can't accept?

Seven hours to go. I wait. I hold on.

I stand at a precipice.

I jump. Or I turn around, running.

I accept or I forget.

I stay suspended...

2003

The Sting

the sting is in the phone calls.

or the lack thereof. the first day it doesn't ring.

not so much a parting of ways,

and turn around, and walk ahead

but a grasp is lost a memory thieved 

a shift in the soul

it's funny, how this thing works

in the opposite visceral direction

and it's too damn hard to have an absence 

to stuff, avoid, than to be.

it's in the not that lies the sting.

2003

Blank

it's so simplistic, my paper and pen

but i'll soon dirty it with you, with me

with an insecurity or three, 

with my head

with my hand

with a thought and an image

a picture and a creation

a lie a truth 

a fantasy a fairy tale 

of what was then and what is now

and what will be and what we are

there will be a duel there will be a joust

there will be a battle there will be a struggle

someone will fight someone suffers

someone cries and hearts are slightly torn

something dies and souls are slightly shifted

2003

Ophelia

Is it time to shut the door?

asks the metaphor, nevermore.

I feel simple, I feel tiny

these three diamonds are too blinding.

I'm freezing up, I can't feel my heart

is this time for us to part?

Is it time to shut the door?

asks the metaphor, nevermore.

I look in the mirror, "Do I know you?"

"Excuse me, yes, you seem familiar, too!"

I'm getting trapped in a little sacred place

I'd ask you in, but there's really no space

Is it time to shut the door?

asks the metaphor, nevermore.

It's too noisy outside where I feel safe now

you ventured into it, but I don't know how

I feel a little submerged, it's a little hard to breathe

do I find a new air pocket? Is it right to leave?

Is it time to shut the door?

asks the metaphor, nevermore.

2003

Vegas

I am burning for you in Vegas

now it's chapter two

A new start.  A new beginning.

But this time I'm aware of what it means to lose.

To leave. To say goodbye.

Now I know a new wave of feelings.

Of parting, of severing, of starting.

I've survived night one. The hardest night of all.

Scratchy white hotel sheets, too big of pillows,

and no shampoo. Cheap margaritas

and too many twinkling lights.

Not in the sky.

Now we start again. Naked, unprepared.

A new person.

Will I miss you more than I can bear?

Is it possible to live a life without you?

I've gotten so addicted...

to your taste, to your spirit, to your heart.

Or is it just one more time to move?

Away...

to forget...

feel you slip slowly...

and see you fade...

until you never were.

2003

The End

This is sad and I will tell you why.

It's the beginning. 

The beginning of my falling out of love.

I've begun to realize your person is incomplete.

And not quite capable of all I once thought. 

Not quite the person I once thought I knew.

Again you ran. You betrayed. You let me down.

How many more times do I need to process 

the repercussions of what you aren't?

Each ripple pushes me a little further out to sea.

Where ironically I'm not the one who's lost.

I've just begun to look at my map.

You almost left me half a soul,

but all I see is a skeleton. Ready to crumble.

Under the weight of what used to hang there. 

A thought up, thought to be great love 

that tried to hard and damaged all 

and went to far to even see the flesh...

it blows and swings and the only thing that seems real

is the shadow beneath it.

2003

Yours xoxo

i'm trying to amputate your

existence from my heavy heart

i move forward i move sideways

i side step you i move on

but i feel i still belong to you

i touch and am touched

i laugh i create

but i feel it spread to my sinew

to my marrow feel it seeping

i feel i still belong to you

hands don't make sense on my skin

words don't sound right to my ear

you don't haunt me anymore

because i'm good at supressing

at pretending to forget

but i feel i'm cheating you 

when someone else is in the home we once shared

i feel it's still your bed 

and i feel i still belong to you

2003

Sweetnesses

let me lay on your arm

waking and bleary under masses 

of sheets and blankets up to our chins.

frost at the window ant the warmth of you near.

my face...inches from your face...

let your eyes stay closed as i study you

in the late morning light.

and have the image of your angel face 

to keep forever.

let me remember always

each eyelash, each perfect imperfection,

each breath.

and let me remain on your arm...

just each morning from here to eternity.

let me lay there. let me wake there.

let me live there. let me die there.

2003

Suffocation

You BASTARD!

It HURTS! It hurts so bad!

And I can't breathe and I'm restricted 

And I'm crying and I'm dying

You've ditched me. You've betrayed me.

You've denied me

And yet I cry for you?

I HURT! I hurt for you!

The sound of the pain pounding through me 

will forever be my last memory of you.

What a way to leave. To sever. To Part.

It's so LOUD in me! I cant cry out.

And for why? For what?

The hardest saddest part is realizing

you were not the soul I thought you were.

Not even a little bit.

Who the hell were you and how did I let

so much of you in and never know 

how superficial it was?

I can't BREATHE!

I can't BREATHE!

So much I want to say 

but you took away my eloquence 

and replaced it with a beer bottle.

2003

Have I?

have i just become one of those girls?

who can never let go, who can never say goodbye

who cloak insecurities and mask intuition

to avoid a little bit of pain.

to look past the danger 

and invent truths that aren't.

that never really were and never will be.

2003

Ghostboy

ghost boy is haunting me.

i smell him on my pillow

i see him at the counter

i feel his silky hair

i sense him right beside me

i can hear him laugh

ghostboy is haunting me.

i can hear him chew his food

i sense him on the stairs

i see him on my sheets

i feel him in my shower

i smell him on my clothes

ghostboy is haunting me

i feel his arms around me

i smell him in my car

i see his shining eyes 

i hear him coming through the door

i sense his absence in all five senses

ghostboy.  either come back or get out.

ghostboy.  make me forget you ever existed 

or return to where you belong 

and make this whole again. 

2003