Never again.

Never.  Never again, I said.  


I sealed my fate and gave myself a lifetime of protection from never again.
But what nobody told me was that you'll unexpectedly find yourself with nerves exposed and heart laid bare. 


Oops.


Why? To self sabotage? To feel something again? 


Fuck.


I forgot the hurt.  I forgot how it hurts so good and opens my creative marrow.  
I forgot how this feels.  I forgot how deep the well of me runs.  I forgot the things I am capable of saying out loud and what it's like to hear those words spoken to me, for me.  Me.  Flesh and blood.  This is real.  


But it's not real.  It's not honestly real.  There are no such things as accidents.  What is it? And why? And why is it so good and bad? I agonize, I bubble up, I feel the weight of the world at once, once again.  And I know that from time to time I'll always secretly welcome taking it on.  


And perhaps at bottom, I wan't the one used at all...but you were.  Tricked into the role of my muse to fuel my soul and creativity once more.  Joke's on you.  


And that's how I survive it.  Every time. 




2012